The Great Debate

I've been having a debate with myself off and on for the past year or so. The debate has grown to encompass many things, but the main issue at hand seems a relatively simple one: am I happy? Considering the length of time this aforementioned debate has spanned, I think one thing is obvious: I have not been able to settle the argument for one side or the other.

Maybe that is an answer in itself. If you think you're happy, but aren't sure of the reality, are you indeed happy? Of course not. So I guess I've got my answer. One thing I am positive of, however, is that I'm not unhappy. I know, I sound like a worrying mother hen in between long stints of antidepressants who can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of things that I'm unhappy with. I know, seems cloudy, right? Well hopefully it'll clear up as I write. That is, after all, the point.

Quick summary. I'm not happy. I'm not unhappy. I'm stuck somewhere in the warm, fuzzy, cold, hard middle of it all. There are many things that I am happy with in regards to myself and my lot in life. There are also articles to the contrary. I think the path to happiness might be to increase the number of things I am happy with, and decrease those instances of unhappiness.

In direct contention with this thought is the lingering feeling that there will always be things about my life that I am unhappy with. There will always be those things that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to change. Such is life. I will have to learn to accept those inevitably unchangeable articles; and even more than just accept them, I may have to grow to be happy with them. How I do this, I have absolutely no idea. I'm hoping this knowledge comes with the experience of living life. It is a good thing, I think, that I do not believe my life contains a great number of these unchangeable objects.

Re-reading the post so far, I think it has taken on a tone that I hadn't intended. I will take this opportunity to restate the fact that I am not unhappy. Not in the least.

I am extremely happy with my own personality. I know I am intelligent. I love my sense of humor and my ability to make people around me laugh, assuming of course that they aren't just laughing at me. Maybe they are. I am no stranger to making a fool of myself - in fact I think I do it quite often. I am extremely reliable. These are just a couple of the almost infinite number of things that I am happy with in myself and in my life.

I tend to be pessimistic. I'm a bit of a cynic. I fail to follow through more times than not on my own endeavors. I am tired of moving from place to place and back again with nowhere to settle. I would like to have a meaningful relationship again. These are a few of the things that I am not entirely happy with. These are the things that I will need to work to change.

I think maybe the purpose of this post is to be a starting point. A recognition of the fact that there are things about myself and my life that I would like to change. Things that I need to change in order to evolve into the end-game person I would like to be.

I would like to be able to ask myself the question "Am I happy?", and without hesitation, answer with a resounding "Yes."

Actually, I would like to not have to ask myself that question at all.


On the beat box: Tom Petty - Refugee