No end...

...to the boredom. Everythings the same. Same as it was a year ago. Different setting, maybe. Same result. Same stagnant feeling. Not working toward anything. Not that I don't want to. Just can't figure out what to work toward. Most things are boring. I feel like I need to be riding off the edge of a twenty-foot cliff on my snowboard, or be held in the arms of the most beautiful woman on earth in order to feel alive. Small setbacks are everywhere. And when small setbacks are everywhere, they add up and turn into one monstrous hurdle. And when that hurdle spans a year and more, the light at the end of the tunnel seems to get dimmer and dimmer. A third or so of my life is over. What do I have to show for it? Nothing material, that is certain. And although this is the least important of many things, material growth is society's most common measuring tool. Creativity is another, though far less recognized. I have little of this either, or at least have not yet discovered my medium. I have met my share of goals. Most of these have resulted in a maturity far exceeding a great many of my peers. A maturity I sometimes dislike, or wish I had not acquired. Sometimes I feel that I avoid situations because I can see the possible outcomes before I ever get involved. Sometimes I wish I would get involved anyway - if for nothing else than to mix things up a bit. But I can't. Self preservation is a marvelous thing. When it suits you. And doesn't it suit everyone, in the end? We shall see.


On the beat box: Kevin Spacey - Beyond the Sea